Helping Freedom Quilts brings comfort

Beth Ann Dively of Yuba City, CA, wife of Major Duane Dively, came to Iowa in early June to help Freedom Quilts make quilts and discuss what pictures she would like on the quilt that would celebrate the life of her husband, Duane. Major Dively flew U-2 spy planes and T-38s. He was considered one of the top three American pilots to fly the U-2. He was also an instructor for the U-2 planes.

Like so many of us, Beth believed that she would grow old with her husband, Duane. She was married to him for 20 years and during those two decades this great man always treated Beth with total love and respect. He sent her red roses, he would leave love notes for her to find and he would always open doors for her. But her life changed forever on June 22, 2005, when she was notified that her husband’s plane had crashed and that he had died. He was flying a 9-½ hour mission over Southeast Asia in support of Operation Enduring Freedom, when his plane had a mechanical failure.

When Beth heard about Freedom Quilts, she contacted founder Betty Nielsen about making a quilt in Duane’s memory.

“We talked for three hours and it broke my heart to witness the grief of yet another fallen soldier’s spouse,” said Betty. “Beth’s story was similar to the stories I had heard from the 9/11 families and the fallen soldiers’ families. I spoke with Beth again asking about the quilt that I hoped to make for her and we talked at length. I invited her to come stay with us and help put some quilts together. Beth did not know how to use a sewing machine but was still willing to come and help.”

It was during this conversation when Betty asked Beth if she was willing to talk to the Freedom Quilters to educate them on what is proper to say and do to comfort the families. Many families have gone through the same sadness when hurtful things are said. They come home with even more pain in their hearts. Betty said she knew that coming from Beth, the information would make a bigger impact.

When she visited in June, Beth talked about the week after her husband died. People told her she needed to get over it and move on. She was young and could easily find someone else. As Beth’s grieving continued, some of her acquaintances decided that she needed her furniture rearranged without even asking her. Others wanted her to stop talking about her husband and just move on. If Beth went inside a store and she saw someone she knew, they would duck down another aisle to avoid them. As depression sunk in, her friends told her she needed professional counseling, only to have the counselor tell her that she needed her friends for support.

Betty added, “Like many families I have spoken with, Beth needed the support of her friends -- not to solve her problems, but to be there for her. She didn’t need people to tell her to move on; she had to do so in her own time. Friends seem to be very supportive for a while but then they go back to their routine and forget those who mourn a loved one. It’s like those grieving are given a time limit as to when they should stop mourning.”

Beth mentioned several ways that people could help the grieving. Betty explained, “What Beth and others like her want from their friends is for them to be there. Don’t tell them that you will be there for them and when they call you make some kind of excuse not to be there. Follow up on your promise. How do you expect them to trust you? Don’t feel guilty or uncomfortable if the person starts crying when they are around you; just put your arms around them and let them know you care. Little things will trigger them to cry but that is OK. That is part of grieving.”

Beth was overwhelmed when she entered Betty’s home and saw all the quilts that were ready to be shipped to families.

Betty added, “Beth was moved to tears as I unfolded several quilts and she saw that each quilt told a story of the person who had died. She knows that she will receive her personalized quilt soon. She too will receive the love and comfort that each of these quilts give the families who have received them. Beth’s quilt will be one that she can wrap herself in and she will see Duane’s life unfold within the quilt.”

Beth wanted to help with the Freedom Quilts and right away Betty put her to work. She actually did know how to sew by hand, so Betty had her do a binding on one of the quilts. The quilt she worked on was for a mother who lost her son in Iraq. It gave Beth comfort to know that she had a part in bringing comfort to another wife who lost a loved one.

“It was hard for Beth to open up and let us in, especially with what she had gone through, but everyone treated her with respect and kindness,” said Betty. “Beth enjoyed working with the ladies and was proud of all the work that Freedom Quilts has done and continues to do. She made it clear that this project is truly worthwhile. Freedom Quilts gives comfort to families when they receive their quilt.”

The following day Beth helped package some of the quilts to send off to families who were waiting for them. She felt right at home and enjoyed her stay in northwest Iowa.

Betty said, “When we finish Beth’s quilt, we plan to visit her and deliver it in person. She was so touched by everyone and their kindness. Freedom Quilts made her feel so welcome and let her know that she will never be forgotten; we will always do our part in making sure that we comfort those who mourn the death of a loved one.”

In Beth’s opinion, Betty is doing an outstanding job with Freedom Quilts. She said, “My heart saw the heart of Betty’s which is full of love, warmth, and compassion -- a passion and desire so strong that she took on this project uncovering a hidden talent and special gifting within her. A gifting to share so generously with thousands of families and to give them hope through each quilt. Each quilt brings forth memories so vivid in the design created with diligence along with compassion.”

You can be a part of comforting those who are hurting and you’ll know that you, too, can make a difference. Freedom Quilts welcomes you to join the effort. Those who wish to help can contact Betty at debeniel@ncn.net or visit the Web site www.freedomquilts.net .

Reprinted from SQE Professional, September 2007